I Wanna Go Home

msmarkieanna:

It’s been some time… …yet here I am. So, what have I learned? I know what is hurting inside me now…

My mother turned 69 this year – That’s still pretty young in my book. Even so, I don’t think there is a day that goes by, I don’t hold my breath waiting to hear even just once, my mother say, I love you, Markie. I fear that day will never come.

Things just aren’t the same… but how can they be? I so badly want her to know how much I love her. Yet, I don’t know how to show or tell her, in a way that isn’t self-serving. I hate feeling so selfish about this… selfish in that, I need her love to validate me as real.

I see now where I went wrong with my mother though. I assumed… No… I expected her to just “accept, and love me” because I am her child… I’m such a fool.

I was very hurt that my mother never accepted me… but I understand now, that, my mom is still grieving me. I realize now, that this is a form of the highest love… because, she loves so much, she can’t let go I was very hurt that my mother never accepted me… but I understand now, that, my mom is still grieving me. I realize now, that this is a form of the highest love… because, she loves so much, she can’t let go.

I can see where she was so grief stricken , unable to breath. “he’s gone…” My life, is over… I have lived for nothing. All that I am or ever would be has been taken away. I want to die.

Then I  cry.