It’s been some time… …yet here I am. So, what have I learned? I know what is hurting inside me now…
My mother turned 69 this year – That’s still pretty young in my book. Even so, I don’t think there is a day that goes by, I don’t hold my breath waiting to hear even just once, my mother say, I love you, Markie. I fear that day will never come.
Things just aren’t the same… but how can they be? I so badly want her to know how much I love her. Yet, I don’t know how to show or tell her, in a way that isn’t self-serving. I hate feeling so selfish about this… selfish in that, I need her love to validate me as real.
I see now where I went wrong with my mother though. I assumed… No… I expected her to just “accept, and love me” because I am her child… I’m such a fool.
I was very hurt that my mother never accepted me… but I understand now, that, my mom is still grieving me. I realize now, that this is a form of the highest love… because, she loves so much, she can’t let go I was very hurt that my mother never accepted me… but I understand now, that, my mom is still grieving me. I realize now, that this is a form of the highest love… because, she loves so much, she can’t let go.
I can see where she was so grief stricken , unable to breath. “he’s gone…” My life, is over… I have lived for nothing. All that I am or ever would be has been taken away. I want to die.
Then I cry.
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![transpride:
msmarkieanna:
Suicide as a Possible Consequence of De-Transitioning I offer the following possible explanation/scenario for what may have happened in the case of Mike Penner/Christine Daniels’ apparent suicide:There are often so many problems that TS individuals face after transitioning that can make any rational person want to “rethink” why they transitioned in the first place. Certainly there may be a “honeymoon” period during and immediately post-transition when other’s acceptance and support for us is highest and we have even more enthusiasm and (unrealistic) expectations for the future as we near our “final goal”. I know that Christine Daniels faced quite a few problems during and after her transition, but she also had a great deal of support from her co-workers there at the L.A. Times (as was reflected in her blog excerpts that she posted in her columns). She really was positive about her transition at that time!But after a while, the day-to-day difficulties of our post-transition lives (when most of the initial excitement has faded away!) can get to us. Especially for M2F’s (having to get up far earlier each day than we did as men in order to put on makeup, do our hair, select the proper outfit, etc.)- All these “necessary” things we do to present ourselves to the world as women can become a real ‘drag’ (excuse the pun) once we actually have to do it day in/day out.And we will always know that there are people out there (and many may be of great importance to us, such as our family and closest friends) who will never really accept us as our true selves, no matter what we do! All this can thus weigh us down and wear us out a little more each day until we start wondering why we ever considered that living our lives as women would be so wonderful or fulfilling in the first place! Before and during transition, we had so many expectations about what our lives would be like when we were finally able to live as our true selves. But then we hit head-on with the harsh realities of living daily as women, we are stunned and chagrinned! [One of the hardest areas for many, including myself, is regarding dating/sexual relationships. It is common to be rejected time and time again due to our transgender past. And there is also the worry of possible violence occurring when your boyfriend finds out (assuming you are attracted to men).] For M2F’s, there is also the reality that women are not as “appreciated” or rewarded for their accomplishments, especially in the business world. We are quite often treated in a condescending manner in public especially because we are “passing” so well. Even though I am a doctor and a university professor, I frequently get called “Honey” and the like at checkout stands, etc. (I usually laugh it off, for I am rather cute for my age ).This “second-class citizenship” can be a great shock for us M2F’s! For when we have been so used to experiencing the privileges that this society so easily affords men, this can become another chronic irritant for us. Thus, many M2F’s become so bugged about what they are experiencing as women that they begin looking back at their “old” (pre-transition) lives with rose-colored glasses and (falsely) remembering how good it was to be treated as a male. So, when they experience the truth of what life as a (trans)woman REALLY is, and they feel thwarted in those things that they thought (prior to our transition) would bring them the most joy- then regret often sets in. They then start thinking, “Did I make a big mistake?” And in the midst of their mounting depression and confusion (especially if they don’t seek medical and/or counseling support), they may then seriously consider de-transitioning. However, they have too quickly forgotten about how terrible their gender dysphoria was (pre-transition) that had prompted them to go through their difficult and often painful transition process in the first place![If you have a Jewish/Christian (Bible) background (as many of my counselee’s have, as I deal with a lot of Christian TS people), it is like the children of Israel after they left Egypt and were travelling around in the Sinai Desert. Whenever adversity befell them, they seemed to recall only the “good things” that they had when they were in captivity in Egypt (and disregarding the heavy servitude and whippings that they had been enduring at the hands of their Egyptian taskmasters) and were constantly complaining about how much better off they would be if they had stayed as slaves.]It may be that a number of these factors influenced Christine’s decision to de-transition and try to resume her gender role as a male once more. But it would seem that this was not the solution to her problems either. I have worked with a number of post-transition M2F’s who in there despair and depression have seriously considering de-transitioning or have already started this process. I try to remind them that there is a high likelihood that when they try to resume their old gender role, that the same gender dysphoria they had before will again (eventually) return- often with a vengeance!Then, those who have de-transitioned will realize that this was an even bigger mistake! And for them to “re-transition” at this point will be far more difficult than their first transition! For they will usually have lost all the support they had initially, as most of their friends/family will now abandon them because they think that the TS person must be crazy and/or they really don’t know what they want. Suicide then seems like their only way out of this impossible situation. If that is what happened to Christine Daniels, then this is indeed a very sad story, but not an uncommon (eventual) consequence of de-transitioning. This makes a strong case for being very careful in our pre-transition counseling to try to help our TS patients develop realistic expectations for their new lives. They need to understand that they WILL encounter more unforeseen obstacles/problems than they can presently imagine. Also, there is a need for continuing counseling and peer support for post-transitioned TS, as many of them at this stage have already cut themselves off from their former support networks as they try to start (often from scratch) a new “normal” life.Jennifer Burnett, MS, MDUCSF-Fresno](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kv9nq35DLL1qzxh5vo1_500.jpg)
